The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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