sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
