I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My bed smells like the plague
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