i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
