Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
