Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
