My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
