you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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