Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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