based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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