the day after is always just damage control
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
