My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
