And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize