Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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