I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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