Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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