you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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