I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
