My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
