Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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