The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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