The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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