I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
