Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
