I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
