I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
