im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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