Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
