Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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