well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
