You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
