Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
