I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
