No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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