I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
