All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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