Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
