everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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