He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
