my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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