what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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