Define "chronic" masturbator.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
