apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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