i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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