Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
