and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
