i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i've created a new STD.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
