tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
