I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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