I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
