I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
