after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
