Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
