Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
