Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
