I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
