I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
vagina is talking i cant
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
