Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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