Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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