Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
