its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
