I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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