Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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