hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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