i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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