its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
