did you get engaged???
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
