At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
